Who Packed The Kitchen Sink

How the hell do you make an anything about camping interesting? Essentially, it’s the equivalent of golf in the outdoor world. Face it, you’ve never seen anyone in the crowd following a golfer around give someone a high five. Just like you’ve never witnessed anyone do a chest bump when they got the tent set up. Well, maybe you have. You may see someone get their ass slapped, but that has nothing to do with being proud of the tent. Camping is a relatively low-energy activity, yet people spend big money and a lot of time doing it. I guess I can go for it as long as there’s a possibility of ass slapping.

First and foremost, let me specify that when I refer to camping I am only talking about the good old fashioned time in the wilderness. I do not class RV-ing as camping and am not going to focus on it. I, myself, like to simply lay out a blanket and sleep under the stars. I’m okay with a tent for those rough weather kind of nights, but I really don’t need a lot else. Hell, for that matter, all that extra gear is nothing more than a hassle to deal with as far as I’m concerned. So then, I am only going to focus on basic practice, ritual, and gear for the purposes of this article.

Firstly, why do we camp? What possesses seemingly rational people to take a week off work, spend a lot of money on gear, pray for good weather, and live like a homeless person? If you were to ask folks this question there would be more different answers than you would want to deal with. For me, I’ve spent a lot of time camping because I’m cheap. There have been a number of occasions I have taken my tribe on vacations and had the half-baked idea I could save some dough by camping instead of staying in a hotel.

Fortunately for me I live with people who like camping so it worked out, except that I didn’t always manage to save the money I tried so desperately to hang on to. Recently, when buying a tent for our last camping adventure I came to the grim realization that if I divided the amount of money I had spent on tents by the number of nights I actually got to use them I probably spent almost as much money per night as I would’ve in a motel. As I wiped the tears from my eyes I came to the conclusion the only good reason to camp is because it’s what you truly love to do.

Whether you are taking your family on a Disney vacation or hunting the upper peninsula of Michigan, you really need to love camping if that’s how you decide to plan your trip. When you take to the campground there is little to no escaping Mother Nature. Rain, snow, unexpected cold weather, bugs, wild animals, extreme heat, wind, drunken neighbors, and a long walk to the bathroom are all going to be your worst enemies. If you are willing to face all those obstacles then you love camping. If none of that appeals to you then you’re probably better off to take the wimp-clause and get a hotel room.

On the topic of hunting and fishing, there are a lot of times you will find yourself camping. Though my fortunes have not often allowed me to take such trips I have been told by more than a few people they are the best. You can go anywhere and be well hidden from anything manmade. With an easily portable set of camping gear you can reach areas unfamiliar to the weekend warriors of the hunting and fishing world. Literally, the sky is the limit. Especially seeing all you really need is a small shelter and soft enough dirt to pound a tent stake in to.

So let’s talk about gear. First, the tent, and dare I say most of them suck. While I never recommend anyone shop at Wal-Mart under any circumstances, the tents at any of the other numbers of outdoor stores can easily be of inferior quality. This point is made so critical because of the extortion fee all such stores would charge for a shelter. I suggest you don’t even waste the money to buy a tent until you have a good, safe place to store it. Some place free of bugs and rodents that would happily destroy it would be preferable. Sadly, most tents only see action one or two times before they fall victim to moths or mice while stored in a shed or the rafters of a garage.

Now that you’ve looked around your house and decided on a safe place to store your tent, you’re ready to go shopping. So what to buy becomes the next hurdle. Most tents at most stores have a dimension on the label but it’s still hard to figure out how big the tent will be. So when shopping it is always better to elect to buy more than you actually need when it comes to buying a tent. If you have a family of six, you’d be much happier with the ten person tent. Always go big when getting your tent. It will be better to have too much space than not enough.

Now, all that’s left is finding your price-point. I’m reminded of an outdoor goods merchant who sold artic tents to some of my handicapped clients some years ago because he smelled a chance to rake some poor folks over the coals to make a profit. While everyone isn’t so naive, there are plenty of advertisements and salesmen who would have you spend much more than you need to. Simply put, if you’re only camping a few times a year in good weather then you don’t need to sell your first-born to raise money to buy a gear.

On the flip side of that, you may want to spend some serious money if you’re planning to make some pretty extreme camping trip. The voice of experience would tell you it is in no way a good time to have hiked thirty miles away from civilization just to find yourself sleeping in the mud because your low-quality tent got tore. No matter where you camp you’ll always want something to set your tent on, such as a tarp, and a patch kit for the worst. It is also a good idea to water-proof your tent with any in the list of available products, but this is not absolutely mandatory.

Sleeping bags are another commodity people often spend too much money on. Military surplus bags for best for moderate cold weather and you can pick them up for a song at most flea markets or army surplus store throughout America. Fair weather bags are available at most large retailers, as you really don’t need anything special. Naturally, if you’re planning a trip into the tundra you’ll want to go to a specialty outfitter and shell out some serious cash, which makes me shiver almost as much as the thought of the cold.

Then we come to the point of the basic tools you should never go afield without. I carry a tomahawk I purchased at the Harrisburg Outdoor Show several years ago. I find it works better than a regular hatchet as it has a thick back which makes it perfect for driving stakes in the ground, hacking tree limbs, chopping firewood, fending off marauding drunken campers, or manufacturing anything I may need in the woods. It is by far the simplest and most effective tool you can carry, and it has a plethora of applications.

In addition to an ax of some sort you’ll want an assortment of knives to get you through the trip. It never hurts to have more than one knife in the event one is list or broken. I’ve gotten in the practice of carrying one good knife I use for cleaning any game I take and a second knife I would be willing to use to try and cut a rock in half. In other words, the second knife is just there so I don’t destroy my good one. Then the other knives I would have would be for the purpose of cooking or any other specialty activity I may engage in on the trip. 

I can’t talk about knives without mentioning my machete. You should never leave home without one. This style of tool gets a lot of attention in the Hollywood scene, but they are among the most useful all around tools anyone could own. Especially to any man, like myself, who has any number of daughters. I don’t need to bore anyone with details of what a machete can be used for, or incriminate myself talking about any of my daughter’s future suiters for that matter. What I will say about the machete is the most abused tool in the outdoors.

Nobody buys a decent one and nobody thinks to keep them sharp. The same rule that applies to a kitchen knife applies to a machete. Dull ones have hurt more people than sharp ones. Take it from a skinflint, you need to spend a little extra cash on a machete that will hold a good edge. Also, those lanyards on the handle aren’t for decoration. They’re to keep the damn thing from going airborne when your hand starts to get tired so please use it.

The cooking gear you use should be fairly basic too. Camp stove come in all shapes and sizes, but again, if it makes fire and cooks your food then you can save your money and avoid the pricey deluxe model. As far as the actual cookware, there is no shame in using old pots and pans from your kitchen or any that you may be able to procure at yard sales or flea markets.  The cookware you choose should be as simple as possible to save on space and hassle when you’re actually camping.

Likewise, the food you cook while camping should be very simple. Everybody loves hot dogs and s’mores over the campfire, but one-pot wonders such as chili, mac and cheese, or plain old fashioned stew are also fantastic camp fare. If you’re camping in hotter regions of the country there’s little that can go wrong with a simple lunch meat sandwich and some form of pasta salad. However you choose to balance menu and cookware is yet another point that should reflect the type of camping you routinely do.

When you set a menu you need to figure out the kind of cooler you’ll need. You could almost do a week long college style lecture on the cooler options on the market today. While I personally long to own a YETI cooler for my very own, the reality I, as well as many others, must face is they are simply out of reach. So, if you can’t have the best you might as well spend your money in the right place. The simple truth is all you need in a cooler is something that fits with your other equipment. You don’t need any of the expensive models sold at Wal-Mart, as there are tricks you can apply to make you ice last longer and contents stay cooler.

One such trick is using salt in your cooler. I once kept two wild hogs frozen for five days in an average cooler using salt and towels. Simply enough, you sprinkle a good amount of table salt on the bottom of your cooler, then you put in a layer of ice, approximately three to five inches depending on the dimensions of your cooler. Lay a trach bag over the ice to avoid direct contact with any meat and place in said meat. Lay another trash bag over the contents and top off with ice. Sprinkle another portion of salt on that layer of ice and cover with an old bath towel. Using such a simple trick can turn an average cooler into a super cooler for the mere price of two trash bags and dollar store container of salt.

On the topic of coolers, there’s the point of buying well but they also need to be utilized well. These handy storage vessels can not only keep food at an appropriate temperature, but can be used to keep clothes and gear dry when in transit or not in use. Additionally, the can be used to store dry goods while at camp so that bugs and animals can’t be left to scrounge elsewhere for their dinner.

So, we can now arguably state the cooler is among the most important article of gear a camper can have. They can protect your food stuffs, or keep gear dry until needed. They can be carried or stored inside or outside of the vehicle. The key to proper cooler use is to plan your trip to and from your destination. If needed, you can carry food and other goods to your trip and save space on your return by storing extra carry-on items in empty coolers. You can also use the extra space resulting from consumed products to transport hides, heads, and meat back from a hunting or fishing trip. Let’s be honest, most people don’t want to come home from a vacation so the easier it is to pack and travel home equates to a few extra precious hours staying on vacation.

If you’re going to want to stay longer you’d better be sure you pick a place you really want to stay at. As with anything, you need to do a ton of research before you select a campsite. On occasion you can get lucky and have a perfect time finding a campsite on a whim. On one recent occasion we were able to select a different campsite at a different lake while on our way to where we had intended to go. Literally, a scant twenty minutes away from our campground we changed our minds and went somewhere else. While the trip went great, sort of, I definitely wouldn’t recommend this kind of travel.

Here is the true beauty of camping. Everything is mobile and if you, at the last minute, elect to change travel plans it is easier to do so. Aside from mobility, cheaper per diem expenses also make camping preferable to a stay at a hotel. If you can handle the absence of a television, bed, and air conditioner then camping is for you. Camping also allows a family to save on food costs compared dining out every night. However, you need to be prepared to cook and clean for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This may or may not be a deterrent, depending on if you’re leaving the campground for activities or staying on location for activities.

That’s the nuts and bolts of camping. I would caution any skinflint out there to avoid the notion that camping takes a lot of specialized equipment. A lantern, toilet paper, matches, rope, tent, and a cooler and you’ve got the basics. That’s it, there’s absolutely nothing special that needs to cause stress or cost a tone of extra money. Or, on the other hand, you can get in depth and serious about your hobby. You can find a place like the Tumblehome Lodge in Canada to do some wilderness camping, or the KOA in Tampa, Florida so you can experience the Gulf of Mexico. The sky is almost the limit.

So why, again, would you want to stay longer? You have to get back home and back to your life, right? Well, maybe or maybe not. Tell me again why do we camp? Here’s a thought. It’s a long shot, but one I’m definitely willing to put forth. Are you sitting down? Could camping be a good manner of vacations because you can leave the TV and microwave so you can be in peace and quiet with your family? I know it seems preposterous, but imagine a week with your children, uninterrupted by television, smart phones, internet, or Netflix.

So it is safe to say we camp as a hobby. We can then vacation with our loved ones and enjoy peace and quiet. Pack your gloves and balls, bows and arrows, rods and reels so you can take some time away from your arrogant boss and build a relationship with the ones you love, and who love you. It’s these memories we build that will shape the dynamics of our families forge generations to come. Truly, you can’t go far wrong with a time camping with the people closest to you.