How to Train Your Muzzleloader

It was a warm October afternoon in central Pennsylvania. The sun had just dipped behind the hillside adjacent to one of my favorite hunting spots. The breeze created a light rustling among the corn stalks in the field my tree stand overlooked. It was the perfect kind of day to just sit and use my beloved time in the woods to ponder issues of interest, but little importance. I may have meditated myself to sleep if not for the sharp snap in the underbrush that signified the approach of a critter for my freezer.

I had planned everything out and situated my tree stand so the trail passed by at an angle giving me a perfect shot on my left side. Naturally, the patch of brown I saw coming through the brush had left the trail and was approaching from my right side. Not only was I Not in a good shot position but the excess movement to switch angles would have easily alerted the little deer of my presence. I had but one choice, which was to make my shot left handed.

As the doe turned her head to look off into the underbrush I presented my rifle and took aim. With the snap of the hammer a bloom of smoke belched from the muzzle. Those seconds feel like an eternity while any muzzleloader hunter waits for the smoke to clear. But sure enough, when the smoke cleared I saw the doe laying right where I had made my shot. She had expired quickly and I thanked God for another quick, humane kill.

Whenever I reflect on this hunt I am always glad I decided to invest time in muzzleloader hunting. At one point I had a flintlock that I had not used from years, but it was love when I finally did. I then went on to purchase an inline muzzleloader, which turned out to be equally as enjoyable to use. However, being a novice in the world of muzzleloading my rifle didn’t fare well as I didn’t know how to properly take care of it.

So, when I realized there was more to it than hunting with a regular rifle I set out to improve my skill. I was convinced you could use one of these style rifles for anything. Though they are only a single shot, an inline muzzleloader has a wide range of ammunition available. After you select a different size or style of sabot it is a simple matter of adjusting your powder measure to accommodate the hunting you are doing. A heavy powder charge can be used for larger game, such as elk and bear, while smaller charges are good for short distance deer hunting.

When shopping for a bullet to fire from your inline you should consider the terrain you are planning to hunt. At the time I hunted a lot of corn and grass fields, so inline muzzleloaders were perfect for punching a bullet through thick cover. For this reason I always elected for cheaper, more flat nosed sabots. Still, I know of other fellows who use higher end, more conical shaped bullets and get fantastic accuracy beyond the two-hundred yard range.

Your powder and primers are pretty basic. If you intend to go crazy and spend some big money on your new found hobby then you’ll get better performance from more expensive products. But for the skinflint’s purpose cheaper and efficient win the race. Any inline muzzleloader will offer enough kinetic knockdown power that even a moderately well placed shot will yield positive results. But, caution is still needed. Often, the powders you will use will leave a corrosive residue in your barrel that will quickly turn to rust if not cleaned in a timely manner.

                   Not only does this residue draw moisture, but the powder itself will also get damp if a hunter is not cognizant of the conditions. It is the voice of experience that will tell you one of the most sickening feelings you will have is to have a deer in your sights and only get a snap from your rifle rather than the report of a muzzle blast. This can obviously happen if the powder is exposed directly to moisture, but it can also happen as a result of condensation.

The best practice to avoid this is to store your powder in water tight containers and store your rifle at the temperature in which you intend to hunt. So, for those in colder climates you wouldn’t want to take your rifle in the house after a day in the zero degree woods. The resulting condensation would render your powder useless. It is best to make sure your rifle is secure from theft or accidental discharge and leave it in the weather it will be used to hunt in.

There are a few extra safety concerns about muzzleloaders, while I’m on the topic of accidental discharges. By most state’s laws a muzzleloader is technically unloaded when the primer is removed or the flashpan is clear and the frizzen is open (See my article on flintlocks). However, you still have to remember that metal on metal can produce a spark and you have a projectile and propellant in the rifle. As far as I am concerned, no muzzleloader is ever unloaded, ever.

You also need to remember that after each shot there can be smoldering embers in the barrel so when you attempt to add more powder there is a chance of a flare up. I will often blow down the barrel from a safe angle to help burns these out quicker. If you’re shooting from a bench you can eliminate this danger, and greatly improve your accuracy, by running a mop through the barrel between each shot.

If you happen across a muzzleloader used, which I recently have, you may notice it is not in the greatest of shape. The combination of many companies not making the best product and most owners not spending the most time will often leave barrels pitted or finishes rusted. That’s not to say you should walk away from a rifle that just needs a little tender loving care. Plus, you’ll be able to make a cheap gun buy that your significant other won’t have a litter of kittens over.

Regarding the bore, most used inlines that haven’t had the best care will be slightly darker. They’ll still work fine for a brush gun and may still offer some accuracy at a distance, just not as great of a distance. To clean up the bore you can use your regular gun cleaning kit, a power drill, gun solvent, and some steel wool. For a .50 caliber muzzleloader I affix the shotgun cleaning rods with the twenty gauge brush to the power drill. Wrap the brush with some steel wool and saturate it with gun cleaning solvent, I use Hoppes 9.

From there it’s just like going out on a nice romantic date. You need to start slow and pick up speed from there. After you have made a few passes through the barrel with the drill operating at a slower speed you can begin to pick up pace. Desaturate the brush as needed since you want a lot of solvent in the barrel at this point to carry away the rust and dirt. After a number of passes with the drill running at full throttle you can mop out the barrel and check. Then you can repeat the process as many times as you like until you bring some luster back to the bore of the rifle.

Now you can turn your attention to the finish of the rifle itself. Many economy priced inline muzzleloaders do not have a great finish and will often rust if they receive anything less than ultra-supreme care. Even if you’re going for cheap you still want something to look good and be effective.

You could re-blue the rifle, but since it’s a cheaper gun why not have a little fun? It’s always neat to have a piece of equipment that is unique to you. Okay, so I’ll never have anything as cool as my Grandfather’s ivory inlaid 6mm, but a swirl-painted inline muzzleloader is a good enough of a start for my simple little self. That’s right, I said swirl painted. It’s an easy process and the finish will keep rust at bay for a good long time. It allows you to customize your gun and stand out among your hunting buddies.

The internet is literally filled with videos on how to swirl-paint anything you can think of. I’m pretty sure you could even learn how to swirl-paint your first born if you looked hard enough. The process for a muzzleloader is relatively simple. With the gun disassemble, tape off all the parts on the receiver you don’t want painted. Use some wooden rods to plug the breach and muzzle ends of the barrel.

Fill a large tub with water and select several colors you’d want to swirl on the finish. Spray the paint in stages directly on the top of the water. Use a stick to swirl the paint around a bit. Dip the parts in the tub of water with one fluid motion, clear the paint away from the surface by blowing it away and remove the parts from the water. Allow the freshly painted parts to dry before adding a thin coat of lacquer, which will add another layer of shine and surface protection. Viola, you now have a uniquely customized rifle.

Reassemble it and sight it in. The beautiful thing about inlines is most of what you’ll need is on the internet. YouTube is loaded with videos which can show you how to do an excellent swirl-painting job. Most companies which produce inlines will have their owners manuals posted online in PDF format for you to download. This way you’ll be able to have the exact powder tables so you’ll know just how to load your new toy. It’s all right there, and nothing needs to be complicated.

The best thing about inline muzzleloader hunting is it gives you another opportunity to be in the woods. I once talked to a “person” who claimed it was better for kids to be on drugs rather than be in the woods killing animals. I’m still not sure what planet this chick was from but why wouldn’t you want another chance to get in the woods. The time of year is usually comfortable and the game hasn’t been pressured too hard, so there’s a lot of opportunities to make a kill or just sit back and take some nice close-up pictures of the animals that happen by.

Muzzleloading seems to be complicated, as I’ve been told, which often causes people to steer clear of trying this form of rifle hunting. But I am here to say the benefits far outweigh the expenses. The first time you have a deer in your sights, only to lose all visibility when you pull the trigger is a moment of sheer anxiety. The moment that smoke clears and you see your harvest is like no other in the hunting world. So, take the chance the next time you have an occasion to pick up a muzzleloader. Whether it be new or used it will almost certainly change your life as an outdoorsman.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I am not a lucky person. Usually when things go right for me I start keeping my eye on the skies. Not as a means to praise god for my good fortune, but more to lookout for falling planes that will be landing on me. So when I actually woke up only mildly late for the first day of deer season I had expected the usual rush to the woods. Being a working fellow all my life I regularly had to pull the late shift before embarking on an adventure. This day was turning out to be no exception, and I cursed my boss as I tried to put myself together as I drove to the area I was hoping to hunt.

The first week of December in central Pennsylvania can be a fairly cold time to be in the woods. Yet this was the year of the rainstorms. The heavy rain slamming my windshield made the early morning drive that much more precarious. It was the kind of morning on which most normal people would’ve rolled over and went back to sleep. I can honestly say there have been very few times I was ever accused of being normal. Unlucky, yes. Normal, no.

Parking my jeep in the usual secluded spot I began to get the last of my gear. It was here I realized I had not thought to get any of my rain gear. “Way to go you moron” was roughly what was going through my head. But I was committed. I was determine to go hunting come hell or high water. The high water part was starting to look like the more likely prospect. Rifle, shells, knife, drag rope, hot seat, hat, and snickers bar all locked and ready to travel, I set out for my favorite hunting spot.

I slogged my way through the drenched trails and managed to make it to my spot about forty five minutes before the sun came up. I was soaked to my waist and to the bone before the sun even came up but I still managed to go to sleep within minutes of getting in my stand. The rain had stopped by this point, but it was still cold and now damp to brighten my sleep deprive spirit. But any worry was already washed away, almost literally. I was hunting and nothing was going to bring me down.

I opened my eyes as the light was just perfect that I could safely shoot. I’m not sure how but I so often have a way of doing that. I had my snickers bar, which as far as I am concerned it’s the true breakfast of champions, and did my best to clear the fog in my head in anticipation of my firt sighting of the season. Not having a lot of luck at anything I really didn’t expect to see anything any time real soon. Because of this fact it was a mere matter of moments before my attention began to falter and I slipped into a overworked-human-zombie-like-state.

It was sometime about eight that morning when the sharp snap of a branch brought me back to the soggy, half-frozen world of the living. Without thought I automatically went into full predator mode and focused on the nice sized ten pointer traveling the trail towards my stand. To this day I don’t know what he was after but this deer was a man on a mission. He put his head down to the trail and I had my rifle up and trained on him in the most silent of blinks of an eye. He kept on his path and I rhythmically settled my scope on him and followed his every move, waiting patiently for the best position for a humane kill.

The cold was gone. The lack of sleep was a distant memory. The discomfort of being soaked to the bone was less than a minor inconvenience. All that existed in the whole world was me and this lone animal. He continued down the trail and made the turn I had been hoping for. With a smooth, almost spitritual, squeeze of the trigger I made my shot, and watched in quiet confidence as the buck went down in a nearby brush pile. The report of the rifle barely registered in my ears. Time had shifted as the thirty to forty seconds this whole process took felt like twenty minutes. The recoil of the rifle went unnoticed as I watched my prey fall. It was a perfect day, even by my standards.

While on a fishing trip with my brother-from-another-mother some years later, having nothing particularly better to talk about, we had discussed why people react so differently when hunting versus shooting their rifles at the range. Both Scott and I had been safety range officers and were no strangers to firearms. Scott, being educated in law enforcement and an absolute warrior with his Glock, was able to give me a little insight into this question. Me, ever being the obsessive-compulsive nerd, had to dig deeper.  

So, here’s the basic nuts and bolts of how it works. Essentially, the adrenal gland comes in a set of two and they are situated on top of each kidney. These are hormone producing glands that serve a wide array of purposes. But I’m not going to go into all that. We’re looking at stress. The adrenal glands are designed to handle stress on a short term basis. This is why job stress can have such profound effects on your health. Simply stated, we are not designed or wired to handle that kind of maltreatment. We are fight or flight kind of animals.

It’s the limbic system I am referring to when I say we operate on a fight or flight basis. The limbic system is a part of the brain that took about forty-thousand years to develop in humans. When a human is placed in an escalated situation, such as an approaching animal, the hypothalamus kicks in and tells the adrenal glands to start production of adrenalin. This sudden, and elevated, production of adrenalin is where we get the adrenalin rush from and it is the body’s way of preparing for action.

When the adrenal glands receive the message to get to work, they automatically produce adrenalin by converting the amino acid in tyrosine into dopamine. The resulting dopamine is then oxygenated and becomes noradrenaline which is then synthesized into adrenaline. The fresh adrenaline then moves through the body via the circulatory system and binds to receptors on the heart, arteries, pancreas, liver, muscles and fatty tissues. The adrenaline then limits the production of insulin and causes the body to metabolize sugars and fats which can be used as fuel in a fight or flight situation. This burst of freshly metabolized fuel is also part of the rush.  At this point you can consider yourself adrenaline rushed.

This is the part where your pupils dilate, your sense of time seems to change due to the general elevation of everything in your body, and the blood in your body will begin to shift from non-essential areas to more vital areas. The blood is the important factor for the purposes of the question we set out to ask. Your body will naturally try to protect its vital functions, which is why it pulls all your blood to the core. That also means the blood has drained away from everything in your ears.

The ear is another amazing feature to the human body. Many folks I’ve talked to think it doesn’t do a lot more than provide audio reception for the brain. However, the ear plays a much larger role in our ability to function. It is connected to the throat and nose, and helps provide balance and assists in other aspects of a person’s ability to orientate themselves. When in fight or flight mode there is a subtle change in the ear that causes it to be less receptive to noise. While the blood isn’t completely drained away, there is enough change to make the ear function differently. At this stage the ear isn’t necessarily functioning less efficiently, it’s just functioning differently.

So, there you are. You’re rifle is at the ready, you’re focused on your prey, it’s the moment of truth. All of a sudden you’re nice and warm because your heart rate has been elevated and you’re moving more blood. Your vision is sharpened and time seems to pass differently because of the activity in your brain. You make your shot and the rifle sounds dulled because all the extra blood is pulled to your core as your body makes preparations for action. You barely feel the recoil of your rifle because your muscles are energized. It’s the perfect rush being delivered during the perfect storm of physiological activity.

Everything else is the result of your body making every effort to reorient itself to your normal operating levels. After the vital moment, when you’ve successfully stopped your prey’s vitals, the euphoria and shakiness is partially a result of various chemicals produced in your body to counter the extreme impact of the adrenaline. How quick the rush passes is purely determined by the individual. Whether it be a successful hunt, dirt bike ride, wild sex, a rock concert, firearms training, or anything else exciting the prospect of an adrenaline rush is too tantalizing for anyone to resist once they’re hooked.

Despite the exhilaration of it all there is that sad, dark, serious side that has to be considered. It always seems whenever we are having fun there is always someone who comes along and reminds us its time to get serious. But when it comes to safety the only true dark side when it is disregarded and something unfortunate happens. All the heightened senses and rush from the adrenaline can make people forget themselves. I can’t caution people enough about this.

When the adrenaline is introduced in the blood stream and crazy things start happening in the body is usually the moment where all rational thought goes out the window and splatters on the street below. This is when we see bad car wrecks, hunters shot in the woods, sunken boats, accidental pregnancies, and thrill seekers falling off of balconies. This is when not driving faster than your guardian angel can fly, checking your target, looking for rocks in the water, using protection, staying away from the edge all become mere afterthoughts. Unfortunately, there is no amount of pacing, practice, rhythm, observation, or caution that can be more valuable than good, old fashioned using your head. The only thing worse than a dude with beer muscles is an adrenaline junkie looking for a fix.

Safety is the best investment you can make when you go out of your house. Always clear the shells out of your rifle or shotgun. Wear a hat, glasses, and ear protection when shooting. Buckle your seat belt and don’t text and drive. Wear your orange vests, life vests, and bullet proof vests. Don’t drink and drive, drink and shoot, drink and boat, or drink and hunt. Check your target and never put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to make your shot. Store weapons away from children and never store a loaded weapon. The list goes on and on. It’s best for you and your family to be safe at all times.

Anything can happen to anyone. If you or someone you know shrugs off safety advice, no matter how many times it’s been said before, then that that person is too comfortable and is a danger. We’ve seen how adrenaline works and many of us have felt that rush, the important part is to protect yourself and your family by being proactive with your safety precautions before your next trip seeking an adrenaline rush. Be cheap, have fun, and be safe, folks.

Raked Across the Coals

Throughout human history man has consumed meat.  Not only do we consume meat, we love to consume meat. Humans have consumed meat for a very long time. Archaeologists have found animal bones all over the world with striations on them that indicate some pre-historic, carnivorous, chest-beating, free-ranging, life-loving caveman chowed down on some juicy steak from whatever animal he managed to catch, kill, and eat. The circle of life has been turning round and round for millennia. The bones don’t lie, and who are we to try to re-write history?

Some time ago, having few matters of significant importance and no other suitable diversion to entertain myself, I elected to embark on a journey that theoretically wouldn’t land me in an institution. At least that was the theory and it’s worked out so far. Being a student of culinary wonders and ever curious about the workings of the humans around me I endeavored to combine the two interests and come up with the answer to a question that vexed me. I wanted to know how humans cooked their food before they had grills and other such utensils. My purpose in this narrative is to discuss some of the techniques I have tried to answer these questions.

I need to start with a disclaimer. I had a vegan friend who affirmed and attested men didn’t eat meat and were never meant to. She was adamant that was a modern thing and our systems weren’t meant to be able to digest such sources of protein. Ergo, the first part of my disclaimer is that she, along with most other vegans, are wrong. Look at the archaeological evidence, case closed. Part two is that I really don’t know if anyone can be right about when humans started consuming and cooking meat.

So now that the disclaimer is out of the way I can begin by asking a question. Have you ever tried to cook something without a frying pan? How about a rack or grill? Have you ever tried to do a roast in your oven only to have it turn out somewhat resembling shoe leather? If we can’t get consistent, positive results the how did primitive humans manage to cook their food with no oven, or any other utensils for that matter? The answer to this question is not easy at all and there are a few possibilities I would like to address.

I’ve looked high and low and burnt holes in google. I’ve read a lot of really good theories, and some that were hell and gone past ridiculous. Ironically, half of the most ridiculous ones were seemingly written by vegans. So, for all intents and purposes, this is simply going to be some theories that I can’t lay any professional credentials behind. I did a bunch of research, learned a bunch of facts, and did some really cool experimental cooking, that’s it. Aside from proclaiming the vegans as being wrong, I make no promises otherwise.

The first common theory I encountered in my research is that early humans only ate raw meat. I can’t bring myself to subscribe to this theory because it is too broad in spectrum. We have to remember that not all humans, or any of their predecessors, were living under the same conditions at any given time in Earth’s history. Different conditions and environments would mean people were doing different things according to the resources available to them.

That being said, I would have to speculate there was definitely a lot of raw meat consumed by the ancient skinflints of planet Earth. Yes, ancient people were skinflints too. They had to get the most amount of calories out of their food while expending the least amount of calories to get their food. This maximum return-on-investment methodology dictates the best way to sustain yourself with animal protein is to feed a tribe rather than a single hunter. With primitive weapons and tactics a single hunter could easily spend more calories catching dinner than could be replenished by eating said dinner. A pack of hunters bringing down a large animal could easily turn those tables.

These notions can be validated by any modern hunter who has gone afield only to return with one or two squirrels. We can contrast this to any pack animal who takes down a larger beast to feed a group, such as we see with lions and wolves. When we consider the intensity of the hunt we can see ancient man, modern man, lions, and wolves all burning a lot of calories. If every meal was cooked by ancient man we would also have to factor in the massive amount of calories expended to build a fire with no modern means. Studied closely, the likelihood of raw protein consumption seems reasonable at some point in history.

Going to back to the consumption of raw protein, it stands to reason it was done quite often. Nevertheless, the notion of raw meat consumption continues to this very day, and is a wonderful part of the culinary tradition of the world as a whole. Steak Tartare is a fantastic example of this manner of preparation. There are many variations and peoples who claim this iconic meat dish. One theory is the Mongols would place pieces of meat under their saddles to tenderize as they rode. Many dispel this theory, but it makes perfect sense. The salt in the horse sweat and the constant abuse would cure and tenderize the meat during the duration of their trip. This would yield a source of protein that could provide calories for nourishment while not requiring many calories to prepare.

We would be hard-pressed to talk about raw applications without taking a brief moment to discuss parasites and other nastiness that would make a raw piece of meat on the ancient hunting scene. Even with our modern refrigeration it is most wise to make sure you implicitly trust your butcher. As far as ancient meat consumption, we all know the infant mortality rate was higher and the average life expectancy was lower. There’s not a lot else that can be said for the matter. It was a part of life and nobody left any evidence on a cave wall indicating there was a problem with it. Ancient hominids had to have something of a tolerance established or we would’ve died out long before we had the opportunity to even invent the wheel.

The raw part of this crazy little string of theories is pretty simple. Hunter sees beast, hunter tracks beast. Hunter is hungry and needs to feed his pack of man-beasts so hunter kills beast. Stone knives and hatchets are then employed to eviscerate and prepare the newly acquired protein. The knives will easily cut the meat and the blunt edge of the hatchets could’ve been used to pound out and tenderize the meat. That could conceivably be very similar to a modern meat mallet. We can also theorize that every part of the animal would’ve been utilized and we can further determine that the danger of pathogens and parasites would be reduced as the resulting protein was probably consumed on the spot so there would be less need to defend it from other predators.

Moving right along, we see man begin to use fire. Again, there is no shortage of scholars and peoples who claim to know where this began, somewhere on the African continent seems to be the most agreed upon assumption. More importantly, we can now see man cooking his protein. It does make sense that early hominids would’ve made this advancement. We have evidence that shows there was some very basic knowledge of germs as far back as ancient Egyptian time. So it is fair to say that rather than intending to cook their protein ancient man may have been trying to dry their meats for storage or to avoid spoilage. However, the idea of cooking large pieces of meat has led a few authors to conclude that early people simply skipped the cooking because it would be too intensive to cook the meat through.

This would be accurate by our modern ideas associated with cooking larger pieces of meat, such as you would find in a bar-b-q setting where the protein is cooked low and slow and requires a large amount of fuel. But it isn’t so unreasonable when we go primitive. Certain pockets of humanity have been noted to bury whole animals wrapped in large leaves for as much as two days to cook it through, which is partially where we got some of modern practices for making bar-b-q. But that’s a topic for another time.  Still other primitive practices could’ve include cutting off cooked sections so the raw protein beneath can get more direct heat. Using these forms of primitive cookery will allow a tribe, group, village, or family to cook larger quantities of meat with less fuel.

There is also archaeological evidence that smaller animals were packed in clay and roasted on the fire. In these cases the animal was packed in clay, fur, viscera, and all. The cooking process would render out all the fat and fluids from the viscera and other areas of the animal which would in turn flavor the meat and help the cooking process. After the clay vessel was done cooking it could be broken off, during which process the hide would lift off the animal, leaving only the editable portion for consumption. The key factor in when different pockets of humanity began using fire to cook their meat depends greatly on the availability of wood to make the fires necessary for cooking.

Then we get to one of my favorite applications. In the absence of a pan or over there needs to be a way to cook meat. You see chefs do this still today and the process works perfectly. You simply cut the appropriate piece of protein and lay it directly on the coals. This is probably the simplest means of cooking meat in ancient times. It requires very little fuel, it eliminates the issue of bacterial conjugation on the surface of the meat, and it is fabulously tasty.

The modern chefs I have seen do this begin with a generous application of salt to the surface of the meat. This draws moisture out of the meat and dissolves the salt, creating an environment that is most inhospitable to many strands of bacteria. I lay the protein flat on a plat, elevated by a few bamboo skewers so that room temperature air can move all around the meat. Let this rest art room temperature for sixty to ninety minutes while you get a fire ready.

The fire is crucial to any cooking. Any tree, such as evergreens, that have a sap can give a very off flavor to food so you’ll want a hard-wood variety. Not only will you avoid the sap but it will burn slower and hotter, eliminating the need for a huge pile of wood to chop. When you get the fire going you’ll need to fan it so you can have a bed of super-heated coals. The idea behind this method is to sear your protein at temperatures in excess of a thousand degrees. These high temperatures will cook the meat adequately and eliminate any and all bacteria on the surface of the meat.  

Any steak can be used for this method, but I have found flank steak to be the best. It’s a more durable cut and cooks perfectly. When the fire is ready and the meat has rested at room temp it’s time to get cooking. Take your steaks and simply lay them on the hot coals. Leave them there for as much time as you determine you’ll need based on the thickness of the cut. When you flip the meat you will have a few coals that stick to the meat. This isn’t a problem, simply use your tongs and knock them off.

After you flip your steak you can have your landing zone ready. For us modern humans that translates into a large piece of commercial grade aluminum foil. For ancient epicureans it may have meant a piece of banana leaves, corn husks, wet animal hide, or anything that will allow the now cooked steak to rest so residual heat can do its magic and finish the cooking. I tend to leave mine rest for fifteen minutes.  

The final part I considered when using primitive means to cook protein is the cut. Ancient peoples weren’t the naive cavemen we so often think they will be. Even then they knew that the cut of the meat was what made the meat chewable and by extension, properly digestible. A stone knife, blunt instrument, or hatchet could’ve then be used to further break down the portions for consumption. So long as the cut ran against the grain of the meat it will be tender enough to chew properly. This is important because digestion actually begins when the food is chewed. More dense foods that aren’t chewed as well will not yield as many calories.

Calories are the name of the game. In a world where so many of our children are obese we seldom think that humanity went through a time where nothing was wasted or taken for granted. This point is relevant because we so often think the gourmet applications we see on the cooking shows are new ideas for our enjoyment. After some careful research we begin to see many modern techniques are adapted from ancient practices designed to provide as many calories to one of nature’s animals, more so than palatable enjoyment.

At the end of the day, humans cooked their food because it is more satisfying and allows for better digestion. Better digestion allows for more calories to be introduced to the body. We often think this is important for building muscle but we also have to provide energy for the human brain. The human brain is one of the most impressive things biology has ever produced, but takes a lot to run like all great machines. We could spend weeks talking about the power of brains, man controlling fire, and caloric synthesis, but who really wants to? Let’s keep it simple and save all that for another day.

Now we can think about some of our theories. If you’re still reading there must be something you found interesting. I need to reiterate, the only fact here is the vegans are wrong. Everything else is a theory. If you love to hunt and cook then hopefully there is some ideas here for you to go out and do some experimental archaeology of your own. Make sure you trust your butcher. Be careful consuming raw or undercooked meat. Be careful playing with fire, especially if you’re going to get your youngsters involved with a crazy little project like this.

Do some extra research and see what really interests you. Tartare and steak on the coals are my favorites, but we can’t forget sushi, poke, yookhwe, carpaccio, and any in the number of different ideas. Don’t forget to check out the alternative means of grilling that may stray far from the standard culinary path. I also encourage you to look into the variety of raw and curiously cooked seafood options I didn’t even begin to touch. Consider this your skinflint crash-course to a different world of cooking and eating. Be cheap and enjoy.

To Blue Or Not To Blue

To blue or not to blue? This is a question that will inevitably cross every gun collectors mind at some point in time. Should you make a gun look pretty because it is yours or should you leave it as is so you don’t depreciate the value? Does it make good fiscal sense to refinish a firearm? Question after grueling question will haunt many a man’s dreams. Allow me to give my unsolicited, unprofessional, low budget, ghetto-hillbilly opinion of best practices regarding firearm restoration.

The first thing to consider is why you bought the gun in the first place. Simply stated, we can buy it for investment reasons or we can buy them because they’re just something we want for no good reason. You may have a hundred other guns in your collection, but you can always use at least one more. The investment collector has it fairly easy. If a restoration will diminish the value of the gun then you leave it as is. The folks who own a gun because they want to for no good reason have to consider some other points.

Whenever you buy a gun you have to be prepared to either keep it forever and ever more or have a solid plan for selling it. Acquiring the gun for the right price is only half the battle, especially if you intend to spend between one hundred and four hundred of your hard earned bucks to have it professionally reconditioned. That additional cost could completely make a decent investment turn into a bad deal. You can refinish it yourself for a fraction of the cost, but that is a risky gamble if you don’t get everything absolutely right.

So what is there to get wrong? That is exactly the question an unscrupulous gun dealer is hoping you’d need to ask. If you know your gun guy and are sure he wouldn’t rake you over the coals then you’re already in a good place. If you don’t know him so well you could end up literally giving away an expensive rifle for pennies on the dollar. If you don’t have a go-to gun appraisal resource that you absolutely, unconditionally, implicitly, totally, and completely trust then you must do lots of homework before making any transactions or alterations to a piece.

On one occasion I purchased a rifle on a whim, as I couldn’t fully identify it. When I took it to a dealer he assure me it wasn’t worth any more than the two hundred dollars I shelled out for it. Fortunately, I kept the gun despite his wagging eye brows and later found the same gun at a show selling for just under a thousand. Yes, my dear friends, getting screwed over can happen that quickly. The same can be said if someone grades a firearm you own and tells you it isn’t worth anything. So again, what is there to get wrong? Let’s consider a firearm.

Picture, in your mind, an older firearm you own or have held and looked at. First, is it complete? I don’t just mean are all the parts there. I mean are all the correct parts there? Does anything look modified or out of place, like it was a part from another gun that just happened to fit? Often, a part will be missing or replaced which will impact the value of a firearm. I once had yet another in a chain of shameless dealers try and know a hundred dollars off the price of something I had because the rear sight blade was gone. So I lost a picture of Mr. Franklin over something that was worth about as much as a picture of Mr. Lincoln.

So, you’ve looked the gun over and determined it is complete. No look very close at the finish. You’ll need good light and eyes to see, but after looking for some time you’ll notice a definite pattern in the finish. This is the result of the polishing and carding process while the gun is being blued or otherwise finished. This rule does not apply to every gun as every manufacturer doesn’t put that level of quality into their products.

But if you try to sell a Winchester rifle to a die-hard Winchester collector I can almost guarantee you he or she will be able to tell if the piece has been refinished just by taking a long, hard look at the finish. Here’s a thing that can go wrong if you elect to refinish a piece. If you, or your gunsmith, don’t know or pay attention to the finish of the piece you could wreck the value by doing something wrong, like carding the finish from a different angle. While this may not be a big issue for lower end firearms, it is practically a stoning offense for the most fanatical of collectors.

Use that mind’s eye to look yet closer at the firearm. On most commercially produced firearms there is a stamp somewhere on the barrel. What that stamp may say isn’t as important to my point as the letters themselves. If you look close you’ll see the letters have sharp angles. They’re crisp and clean, having little to no dull edges depending on the age and condition of the piece. This is another tell-tale sign a weapon has not been refinished. An unpracticed gunsmith, either a professional or a do-it-yourselfer, will almost always sand, grind, or card down the edges on a stamp.

Next, open the chamber and look in the barrel. If you do nothing else before buying a gun, you need to check the bore. It can have specks of dirt in it, which simply means it needs cleaned. But otherwise it needs to be nice and shiny. If, however, it has scores, pits, scratches, or anything of the sort you need to get away as fast as you can. Scores and scratches come from foreign debris in the barrel that will actually mar the metal in the bore. Pits show up as a dull bore, and are the sign of using a corrosive gun powder. This is common in firearms that are chambered to use cheaper imported ammunition.

The stock is a pretty straight forward thing to look at. It needs to be complete and tight. Otherwise it is mostly a matter of woodworking. However, you again need to do some homework to make sure you get the right finish. You also want to make sure you or your gunsmith can make any replacement stock fit properly will as little hassle as possible. Aside from cracks, one of the most common things regarding stocks are pieces that have been shortened to accommodate use by a smaller kid. This is fairly easy to spot since the butt-plate usually doesn’t go back on seamlessly.

Those are just a few, and I stress “few,” things that can go askew if you elect to refinish a firearm. The best practice is to have that gun guy in your back pocket to guide you. Regardless if they tell you it’s worth it or not, you’ll at least have a professional opinion to base your decision on. Likewise, you can protect yourself from a less than favorable purchase if you have some knowledge of what to look for in a prospective purchase.

Now, it’s time to ask yourself again, should I restore it. If you’re not following the money and are making a decision based on your personal ideals then there is no wrong answer. When I elected not to refinish my favorite squirrel rifle a friend commended me because I was saving the resale value. I simply stated I didn’t give a metric crap-load about the value as it was my Grandfather’s and I wanted to keep it in the same weathered condition I had used it in for years. In that case the gun is a literal part of my hunting childhood and family heritage, so there is no sticker value that can be attached.

Still other pieces in my collection I restored, not to make them more valuable, but in reality because they weren’t worth a whole lot anyways. They were the perfect guns to practice my gunsmithing on and they look all the better in my collection now. Yet others were restored so I, and my little tribe of future Bambi-killers, may continue to use them effectively for years to come. So, you can again see there is no right or wrong answer about refinishing as long as you’re well educated about the item you want to make all shiny again.

For the firearm collector on a budget, it may be difficult to pay the prices at a professional gunsmith’s shop. Depending on the gun and the work you want done you can get into hundreds of dollars. This isn’t the best thing to do when you may very well end up spending more for the gunsmith than the actual weapon is worth. This compels the skinflint in us all to try to accomplish it his or herself.

The stock is the most exciting part and the dullest part of a restoration. I don’t need to spend a lot of time describing the mind-numbing excitement of hours spent sanding down a piece of wood. I would, however, like to point out that a stock does not need to stay the same once you’ve sanded it down. It’s a simple matter to take an old walnut stock and change it up a bit before you finish the piece. As a do-it-yourselfer who simply wants a nice weapon in his or her collection you can take that stock from brown to blonde very easily. Just make sure you follow the manufacturer’s directions when you pick your finish for the stock. I personally like a blonde, so I’ll leave it at that not waste any more time talking about stocks.

I’ve seen a number of websites, vlogs, blogs, YouTube videos, and magazine articles that demand you remove the barrel from the receiver when you strip your weapon. I personally do not have the tools to properly head-space the barrel during reassembly, so I always elect to keep the barrel and receiver in one piece. This is a controversial point, but I have found it works just as well without the risk of having to go to a gunsmith anyway. However, to what degree you disassemble your firearm is your own discretion.

The most involved part of the restoration is the finish of the metal parts themselves. Begin with some three-thousand grit sandpaper, steel wool, and any form of high revolution buffing device. I actually used the buffer I have for waxing my car. You need to strip all the old finish off the metal parts, without leaving large scores or striations. This will be a long and arduous process, but patience will reward you handsomely. Be sure to get as much of the grease and finish as possible in the cracks and crevasses. Almost everyone in the field uses acetone to do a final cleaning of the firearm.

Now you have a barreled receiver, with a small collection of small parts that has been cleaned and degreased. They are neatly laid out on a clean towel and ready for the bluing solution to be introduced. For the do-it-yourselfer’s purposes this will be a basic cold bluing procedure. The only problem with a cold blue is it isn’t very effective. Generally, a cold blue is a selenium dioxide compound that is supposed to make the metal black, but usually only succeeds in turning it a dark grey. Further, cold bluing doesn’t offer the same protection as hot bluing.

I have found through a lot of internet research that applying an initial series of a browning agent will enhance both the functionality and eye appeal of you do-it-at-home restoration project. Be careful when using browning solutions as they can be very toxic to humans, so you’ll want to work in a well ventilated area. It’s a simple matter of apply a base finish of browning according to the manufacturer’s directions. Once completed you can proceed with applying a series of bluing applications until the desired finish is achieved.

 Before you actually start the finishing process you will want to make some form of wooden or plastic plug to seal off the barrel. You will also want to have a gun cleaning rod with an attached mop in case any of the finish solution gets into the bore. Make sure you have all your tools and materials laid out and ready as when you start applying your finishing products you are basically committed. It will also be beneficial to have some sort or rack which can hold your barrel and receiver. Any uneven spots in the application will show as streaks in the finished surface.

 While applying all these varying layers of finish I gave the barrel a rub down with some clean, degreased steel wool. I then used my car buffer to give the barrel a thorough polishing. Be sure to change pads when you switch from browning to bluing. Also, remember to wear vinyl or rubber exam gloves and degrease every rag or other tool with acetone as you go. The slightest exposure to any kind of oil, grease, or other foreign compound will mar the final product. The last thing you’re going to want it to spend all this nerve-racking time to refinish a firearm, just to have a thumb-print in the finish that you don’t see until two weeks later.

Now, with your piece dried, the bore plugged, and everything stable you can do something I’ve recently discovered that may help further improve the quality of your refinishing job. If you were to watch Larry Potterfield, from Midway USA, you’ll see a video in which he applies a thin coat of lacquer to a barrel her is working on. When I dug deeper I found this is not a commonly heard of thing among armatures, but actually provides one more layer of shine and protection for a barrel. However, when I say one thin coat I mean one thin coat. Not two thin coats, not one heavy coat, not three light coats. I mean one thin coat. It may help to make it even, but in the end it needs to be one thin coat.

When reassembling the firearm you should keep the gloves on as well. If you’ve given all your products enough time to properly cure there should be little to no issues with damage to the new finish, but it never hurts to be a little overcautious. You’ll also want to take you time as to avoid any slips of a screwdriver that will scratch you beautiful blonde stock. Even if you like brunettes, you don’t want to mess up at this point.

So now you’re done with a simple, do-it-yourself, skinflint style restoration job on your firearm. All that is left is to give it a good cleaning, bore sight it, and get ready to take your prize out for a walk. For some final thoughts I will stress homework. Make sure refinishing the piece is the right thing to do. Make sure you are doing the job for the love of your guns and not to benefit anyone else. If you wreck the sticker value, but refinish your Grandfather’s rifle to pristine condition it’s only something that needs to matter to you.

 I will stress patience. Take your time, take your time, take your time. There is no point in trying to restore a firearm for any reason if you are simply going to rush the job and end up with a soppy finished product. Then it’s not worth as much and it looks like hell, which is ne benefit to anyone. I recommend going to YouTube and looking at some of Midway USA’s videos so you can have a solid enough grasp on the project before you start. Once you know what you want and roughly what you’re doing then you really just need to take your time and do it.

Finally, and first, be safe. Make sure to buy, store, clean, refinish, and use your firearms in a safe and responsible manner. Make sure to clear your chambers and keep your weapon pointed in a safe direction. As a final note, which I’ve said a number of times, the best way to get back at the ones who want our guns gone is to be safe and responsible gun owners. Good luck with your restoration project.

Life is a Highway

The art of travel is an incredible thing. For some it’s a thing of joy and for others a thing of loathing. Whether it be for business or pleasure there are a ton of considerations to calculate when you prepare to hit the road. The minute you sit in your car and leave your comfort zone you enter that realm where anything can go wrong, or right if you play your cards right. A trip away from home can be some of the very best of times or the ugliest of nightmares. So often you see people embark with no clue where they’re going, what they’re getting into, or what to do when things go wrong. Here are some general thoughts for your next getaway.

I wouldn’t normally bother with something so mundane, but I’m forever shocked by how many people I see go on a trip in a car that may need some help. It’s sufficient to say that not everyone can afford a new car at all, let alone afford one and still be able to afford a vacation. However, the first thing you need to do is check every inch of your car. This will help mitigate the possibility of a breakdown while you’re on your trip. If Murphy’s Law has anything to say about it your breakdown will happen in the least favorable of places. You can decide what you think is the most unfavorable place and that’s where you’ll be stranded.

You also want to make room for tools. I don’t care how new your car is, you need something basic to get you going if at all possible. On a trip to Canada with Scott I suggested a toolbox. Scott assured me his truck, which was still very new, was under warranty and we would be fine. He was right as it turned out and the trip went very smooth. Now for people who don’t have newer vehicles, you need something for in the event of an emergency. Especially if you are aware of some little quark with your vehicle that could turn into a major problem on the road. You can’t always rely on luck in finding a mechanic who won’t destroy your wallet when you are a thousand miles from home.

Case-in-point, on a trip to El Paso, Texas I had the pleasure of losing a water pump while heading back to Dallas. I had taken my truck to Jack Williams Tire and Auto, in a town in central Pennsylvania. After they beat me up for $1300 in made up repairs I was ready to spend the rest of my life savings to go on a long anticipated trip. Things went pretty well until my wife and I were heading back towards Dallas to make our next stop.

That’s when the temperature gauge spiked and I could feel my world come crashing down. I believe “F%#K ME!” were my exact words as I sat along the interstate. I lived up to the promise of breaking down exactly in the wrong place. I managed to nurse my beloved Dodge Dakota to the nearest exit, 8 miles away. There I found an O’Reilly Auto Parts store where I was able to really get under the truck and see what was happening. I knew I didn’t have the tools to do the job and the associate at the O’Reilly didn’t know of any mechanics. There I was, uck-fayed.

As I stood outside the door of the auto parts store, gripped by exasperation and general discord, I happened to focus on an abandoned gas station about 2 blocks away. It looked very much like any other abandoned gas station except for the big, white letters spray painted on the window that simply read “Mechanic” and a phone number. As the hour was growing late, my temper growing short, and my list of options looking sick I quickly called the number and was relieved when a man answered the phone. He promptly showed up and agreed to do the job for $250. The day was saved and my budget was shot.

So the moral of the story is to always be ready for things to go as far wrong as they can. While this fellow’s price was a bit on the high side, he was still about $150 dollars cheaper than anyone else who learned they would be doing a job for someone twelve-hundred miles from home. All this being said, it also wouldn’t hurt to have an APP downloaded to your phone for a major auto parts retailer chain. They will usually be your best resource for finding help with mechanical issues while on your trip. Download one APP or all of them, knowledge is power and you’ll need all the help you can get when you’re stranded.

When your car is ready to go and you’ve done all you can to mitigate the chance of a break-down you can focus on packing. Again, this seems like a simple point, but after all the trips I’ve been on in my day I always find it amazing how many people don’t know how to pack for a trip. Rule number one, don’t forget your damn underwear. While you’re packing your underwear, make sure to pack extras. If you forget anything else you will be able to survive, but clean underwear are something you simply can’t be without.

Now that we have that covered we can move on to the other, less important stuff. Which is basically everything else. This is a topic that doesn’t need to be beat to death. If you’re old enough to be able to go on a trip then you’re old enough to remember to pack a toothbrush. That being said, be sure to study the weather and landscape where you are going to. On my afore mentioned trip to El Paso we found ourselves camping on a piece of property we had recently purchased in the desert north of the city. Unfortunately, we were totally and utterly unprepared.

Our fifty-acre tract of land was situated close to the Canudas mountain range in the desert Hudspeth County, Texas. It was a beautiful place to see. With the exception of the drug cartels running the border in the area there was nothing but you and the antelope. Then the sun went down. At night the temperature dropped and a couple of happy campers suddenly were freezing their asses off. The days were hot, and hot some more. Yet every afternoon, at about 3 o’clock, you could bank on a strong gust of wind that hurled little spines from some sort of local cactus at you.

After freezing all night and having my sun-burn prodigiously peppered with a million of these little pricks I came to the realizations I simply didn’t have the right cloths for the environment. I had the guns to hunt whatever I wanted. I had tools to fix the tent pole and fix the flat tire I got from a cactus. But I didn’t have light weight cloths that covered everything to protect me from the environment. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. So, I emphasize that you need to know what the weather will be like where you are going. If all else fails you can call to where you will be staying and ask them. We can at least hope one of the locals would be able to tell you over the phone how the weather is.

Now we have the car ready and our bags packed. The next step is to look ahead for any services you may need. We talked a little about mechanical services, but its best to look for anything else you may need before you leave. The SkinFlint travel guides states shop ahead to save maximum dollars. In that spirit it is prudent to have your rooms booked, and any tickets bought. You can also look ahead for laundromats, specialty shops, souvenir shops, grocery stores, or anything else you can foresee you’ll need. After you’ve done that you’ll be ready to travel.

Also, pay attention to your mileage so you can make the best fuel purchases. In keeping with the times you can download any in a number of APPs to your smartphone that will tell you where you can get fuel and what you’ll pay. Nothing is more frustrating than paying extra for gas because some greedy little man runs a scam on tourists who don’t know it’s a quarter cheaper a few short miles down the road. We need to rise up and start a revolution, declaring in one voice “WE WILL NOT PAY YOUR EXTORTION FEE!” Sorry, got carried away again. But in all seriousness, save that money on gas when you can and always budget extra for gas. Worst case scenario is you spend it on gas. Best case scenario, you go for a fancy dinner on what’s left when you get home.

With all your logistics in order it’s time to think about what you’re going to see. Purchasing tickets before you leave is a great way to save money but it’s not the only way to save money. If you are going to a place like Disney or any park that requires tickets you can easily find bargain prices that will include meals or other amenities. This will obviously maximize your experience while showing kindness to your wallet. Also, don’t worry about purchasing tickets too far in advance. Wait for those deals, they’ll come back around and you’ll miss them if you bought the tickets at the wrong time. There’s always something online to give the low-down on when these sales can happen.

It also doesn’t hurt to brush up on your history. Little Big Horn, St. Louis Arch, the Hollywood sign, Rodeo Drive, Okefenokee Swamp, Gettysburg, Devil’s Tower, Mt. Rushmore, Mt. St Helens, Devil’s Slide, the Badlands, Acadia National Forrest, Seattle Space Needle, Meteor Crater, the Everglades, Yellowstone, and the Grand Canyon are all just examples of destinations where you can neat historical things to visit that won’t cost a lot of cash. Naturally, there are hundreds more if you do your homework. Doing some sniffing around will allow you to find cheap or free activities to make your trip more exciting. Depending on the season you can get in a lot of places for free.

One more detail about your attractions is they aren’t open all night. Some of them are barely open all day. If you ever find yourself in Washington D.C. you would deeply regret not stopping to see the Smithsonian Museums. They are nothing short of fantastic and will provide you knowledge and memories that will be with you forever. There’s only one problem, they are only open for banker’s hours. You could easily miss half of them, as so often happens, because they close before you can get to see everything. So make sure to look up the hours and any other information you’ll need so you can plan your days out.

Speaking of things to spend your money on, who can travel without paying attention to the food? You work every day, and eat the same thing all the time. You run home and make the staple foods in your house. You deserve to come up with at least one destination dining experience while you are out of town. Get on the internet and find something that is off the beaten path, different, new, neat, exciting, or recommended. It’s almost sacrilege to go on a trip without getting into the local culture. The best way to do that is through the food.

Now for the disclaimer they won’t show you on the travel channel. There is a rule in traveling that clearly states you can and will get food poisoning at some point if you travel enough. It’s unavoidable and it’s not to say it will only happen if you drop by one of the small-town loco-yoco eating establishments. Many a traveler have spent an evening naming all the tiles in their hotel bathroom after dinner at a nice restaurant. In point of fact, most small places are happy to have your business and will typically take better care of you. Look for the local joints with the long lines out the door and go there instead of wasting your time on bigger, mainstream places. Again, your hotel staff can probably direct you to the best places that won’t be on any pamphlets in your room.

There’s another rule of thumb concerning dining. It’s a contested rule, but for people on a budget it usually holds true. If you’ve eaten in one Chinese, Mexican, Italian, or pizza restaurant you’ve probably eaten in about 90% of them in America. If you truly want something different you need to rally talk to the locals and find the most out-of-the-way places. A small diner in Korea, Maine comes to mind when I say this. The proprietor opened her diner in her basement and she served the local lobster boat Captains. She did all her business and was closed by 8am.

This sounds like a crazy story, but I can unconditionally guarantee she served the best blueberry pancakes in America. You’d never see her in the paper, on the food network, in a cookbook, or on a billboard. Hell, she barely had a visible sign to mark her business, yet her dining room was full at 2am. It sounds like it should be a bar scene, yet her restaurant was nicely decorated with local antiques and themed in true coastal Maine fashion. These are the places to seek out when you travel as they will give you the best experience. That experience will be far better than any critically acclaimed restaurant you’d find.

You want everything to be fun on your trip. Even if it’s a business trip you need that chance to let your hair down. So it wouldn’t be any good if there wasn’t some safety pointers. To some this may seem like no-brainer stuff, but it’s added in because this is what real, live people have done. For example, change your tire when you get a flat. Don’t try to keep driving. Please stay in your car if there’s a wreck on the interstate. Don’t try to keep passengers on top of your luggage in the back of a pickup while you do a hundred miles an hour. Please, for the love of God, don’t do cocaine and drive. I don’t mean don’t drive under the influence. I mean don’t try to cut and snort cocaine driving down the road (yes, really.)

Don’t drink and drive is an easy one. If at all possible, can you please not change your feminine hygiene products while driving down the road? Hang up and drive, pull over and eat, and please use your turn signals. Seat belts save lives and the lines on the road are there for a reason. Don’t walk along the road in black cloths at 2am, and if you must stop at night please do so in a well-lit establishment.  Don’t pick up hitchhikers, especially if they’re dressed like Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings. Trust me, he’s not okay. This guy is far from okay and you don’t want him in your car.

There’s a few ideas for travel in America. I don’t fly, and will probably refuse to ever fly. Therefore all I can offer is a tid-bit for the skinflint out there that just needs to get away from it all for a few days. In conclusion, do your homework, be prepared, save your money, explore new things, and be safe. The final piece of advice is always have a good camera and always be ready to use it at the drop of a hat, any hat. Remember, most pictures of Bigfoot are blurry because someone didn’t have their camera ready. Enjoy and have safe travels.

Infestation Nation

I hate bugs, hate their guts. I hate bugs more than I hate washing dishes. I can’t begin to communicate how much I really hate bugs. I hate the ground they crawl on the air they breathe. I get all itchy when I even think about bugs. I hate bugs in general. Four, six, especially eight, ten or ten thousand legs, it really doesn’t matter, I hate them. Every time I see that Disney movie, Ants, I just want to hurl. But of the levels of loathing I have for bugs, of all the dimensions of revulsion I feel for them, I hate ticks the absolute most.

Ticks are among one creature on this green Earth that simply should not have been allowed to get on the ark. Noah should’ve had a squad of farmer women standing at the ramp clearing every man, woman, child, bird, and mammal as they boarded.  These eight-legged spawns of Satan are my only point of contention where going to the woods is concerned. Let us take a moment to see a few of the nuances concerning these dreadful little creatures.

First, there are a lot of different species of tick which cover a broad range of the land mass. A tick doesn’t necessarily see as we might think. The can, in some manner, actually see the hosts breath, body odor, heat, moisture, and vibration. Ticks have eight legs. They can see a trial where potential hosts frequent and will climb to an appropriate height based on the host they are seeking. At that point they will wait, with two legs outstretched, for a host to pass by so they can climb on. Usually, they will climb up at that point to find a place to secure themselves.

Ticks will prefer different hosts based on the particular life-cycle they are in at the moment. Ticks can’t fly or jump, so they will often await their host at about the knee level. Once on board they almost always climb up. Some ticks will quickly find a place to insert their feeding tube while other species will travel to an area with thinner skin. Depending on the species of tick it can take from ten minutes to two hours to prepare to dig in.

Here’s where the little boogers get nasty. The tick will grasp the skin and slice it open so they can insert their feeding tube. Many tick species also secrete a cement like substance that helps them stay attached and they also secrete a saliva that has anesthetic affects so they can attach themselves undetected. Once attached a tick will suck blood from the host for several days, how many depends on the size and species of the tick. If the host has some form of pathogen then the tick ingests that as well and can transmit it through saliva during the feeding process.

The tick’s feeding tube is often equipped with barbs to help keep it in place. The can use this tube to feed on birds, mammals, reptiles, and amphibians. They don’t seem to suffer too bad without air. The feeding tube is a two way organ as it can be used to suck blood from the host, but can also allow regurgitation to pass back to the host if the tick is removed wrong.

After the egg stage a tick must have blood during every one of the usual four stages of its life cycle. Ticks can take up to three years to complete their full lifecycle. Ticks four life cycle stages are the eggs, larva, nymph, and adult. Risks of infecting humans with diseases are greatest when a tick is between the nymph and adult stage, and in the spring to summer. This doesn’t mean that infections cannot take place year round.

            So what to do if you find a tick attached to your skin. The first thing I do is swear. After you have that out of the way you can use a pair of fine tipped tweezers and pull the tick directly away from your body with slow, gentle pressure. Don’t twist or tug as you want to make every effort to remove the entire tick intact. After you’ve dislodged the little demon you can clean the bite area with soap, water, and rubbing alcohol. If you live in an area where there are significant reports of tick borne illnesses you may want to save the tick to have it tested.

Be sure to check your kids and pets regularly and immediately tell your doctor if you develop a strange rash or fever in the weeks following a tick bite. They can carry a number of pathogens that can be transmitted to humans which would make you quite ill, especially if you are very young, in poor health, or very old.

Repel with deet or Permethrin are the best agents to use to avoid tick bites. If you have a chance to travel to Canada you can get Repel with a higher percentage of deet which is nothing short of awesome for keeping ticks at bay. You can also walk in the center of trails when you take to the outdoors. Be sure to vacuum or sweep the floors of your house regularly if you live in an area with a lot of ticks. This will make sure any unwanted passengers aren’t roaming free in your home. Check your dogs regularly, cats too if they spend a lot of time outside. They will often think you’re trying to play when you roll them over. You can also do full body checks of yourself to make sure you don’t have any hitchhikers.

While ticks will often wait for a host at about knee level there are times they will go to the moist layers under the leaves during damp times of the year. Therefore, when hunting it is wise to be cautions in clearing the leaves out from under you. The same can be said for the spring months when you are clearing the leaves out of your yard. You can tumble dry your cloths in a hot dryer for ten minutes to kill ticks on dry cloths after you return indoors.

So, now we get to the dangers of ticks. The diseases they can transmit to humans. The list is long, and not just a little short of scary. For your convenience I am going to copy and paste a excerpt from the Center for Disease Control’s Website regarding some of the diseases they can pass to us. This can act as a guide for further reading as most of the information here may be vary depending on species of tick, and the region. So, according to the Center for Disease Control:

·        “Anaplasmosis is transmitted to humans by tick bites primarily from the blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis) in the northeastern and upper midwestern U.S. and the western blacklegged tick (Ixodes pacificus) along the Pacific coast.

·        Babesiosis is caused by microscopic parasites that infect red blood cells. Most human cases of babesiosis in the U.S. are caused by Babesia microti.Babesia microti is transmitted by the blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis) and is found primarily in the northeast and upper midwest.

·        Borrelia mayonii infection has recently been described as a cause of illness in the upper midwestern United States. It has been found in blacklegged ticks (Ixodes scapularis) in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Borrelia mayonii is a new species and is the only species besides B. burgdorferi known to causeLyme disease in North America.

·        Borrelia miyamotoi infection has recently been described as a cause of illness in the U.S. It is transmitted by the blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis) and has a range similar to that of Lyme disease.

·        Colorado tick fever is caused by a virus transmitted by the Rocky Mountain wood tick (Dermacentor andersoni). It occurs in the the Rocky Mountain states at elevations of 4,000 to 10,500 feet.

·        Ehrlichiosis is transmitted to humans by the lone star tick (Ambylomma americanum), found primarily in the southcentral and eastern U.S.

·        Heartland virus infection has been identified in eight patients in Missouri and Tennessee as of March 2014. Studies suggest that Lone Star ticks may transmit the virus. It is unknown if the virus may be found in other areas of the U.S.

·        Lyme disease is transmitted by the blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis) in the northeastern U.S. and upper midwestern U.S. and the western blacklegged tick (Ixodes pacificus) along the Pacific coast.

·        Powassan disease is transmitted by the blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis) and the groundhog tick (Ixodes cookei). Cases have been reported primarily from northeastern states and the Great Lakes region.

·        Rickettsia parkeri rickettsiosis is transmitted to humans by the Gulf Coast tick (Amblyomma maculatum).

·        Rocky Mountain spotted fever (RMSF) is transmitted by the American dog tick (Dermacentor variabilis), Rocky Mountain wood tick (Dermacentor andersoni), and the brown dog tick (Rhipicephalus sangunineus) in the U.S. The brown dog tick and other tick species are associated with RMSF in Central and South America.

·        STARI (Southern tick-associated rash illness) is transmitted via bites from the lone star tick (Ambylomma americanum), found in the southeastern and eastern U.S.

·        Tickborne relapsing fever (TBRF) is transmitted to humans through the bite of infected soft ticks. TBRF has been reported in 15 states: Arizona, California, Colorado, Idaho, Kansas, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Texas, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming and is associated with sleeping in rustic cabins and vacation homes.

·        Tularemia is transmitted to humans by the dog tick (Dermacentor variabilis), the wood tick (Dermacentor andersoni), and the lone star tick (Amblyomma americanum). Tularemia occurs throughout the U.S.

·        364D rickettsiosis (Rickettsia phillipi, proposed) is transmitted to humans by the Pacific Coast tick (Dermacentor occidentalis ticks). This is a new disease that has been found in California.”

Told ya they shouldn’t have been allowed on the ark. Some of these diseases just sound like a barrel of laughs, don’t you think? Yeah, me either. So I might as well take this opportunity to let you know the fun isn’t over. Most tick-borne illness will first manifest with a rash. The Center for Disease Control says the following:

·        “In Lyme disease, the rash may appear within 3-30 days, typically before the onset of fever. The Lyme disease rash is the first sign of infection and is usually a circular rash called erythema migrans or EM. This rash occurs in approximately 70-80% of infected persons and begins at the site of a tick bite. It may be warm, but is not usually painful. Some patients develop additional EM lesions in other areas of the body several days later.

·        The rash of (STARI) is nearly identical to that of Lyme disease, with a red, expanding "bulls eye" lesion that develops around the site of a lone star tick bite. Unlike Lyme disease, STARI has not been linked to any arthritic or neurologic symptoms.

·        The rash seen with Rocky Mountain spotted fever (RMSF) varies greatly from person to person in appearance, location, and time of onset. About 10% of people with RMSF never develop a rash. Most often, the rash begins 2-5 days after the onset of fever as small, flat, pink, non-itchy spots (macules) on the wrists, forearms, and ankles and spreads to the trunk. It sometimes involves the palms and soles. The red to purple, spotted (petechial) rash of RMSF is usually not seen until the sixth day or later after onset of symptoms and occurs in 35-60% of patients with the infection.

·        In the most common form of tularemia, a skin ulcer appears at the site where the organism entered the body. The ulcer is accompanied by swelling of regional lymph glands, usually in the armpit or groin.

·        In about 30% of patients (and up to 60% of children), ehrlichiosis can cause a rash. The appearance of the rash ranges from macular to maculopapular to petechial, and may appear after the onset of fever.”

So, now we have an idea of how to handle ticks in the summer months. But, don’t forget these evil little creatures don’t hibernate either, so you’ll need to be on the lookout year round. That especially applies for people living in warmer climates. With some simple preventative measures and early detection you should easily be able to keep yourself, your family, and your pets safe when you’re in the great outdoors. Just remember to show no mercy when you find a tick trying to hitch a ride.